Heartmind

I'm really going to France!

2009-03-24T17:38:00.001-07:00

And soon, too! I have been so busy lately, working a lot, saving money, planning, dancing, rehearsing, aaaah!! I am tired and think that after I come back from Europe I really need to cut back a little. On what I don't know yet, I'll just have to see how I feel afterwards.
It's starting to hit home that in less than five weeks I will be on my way to France! My friend Clara is moving back to jolly old England (Cambridge to be exact) in April so I will be spending at least three days with her, perhaps staying with her mom in a grand old mansion on a college campus, perhaps traveling with her somewhere else, probably a bit of both.
I'm excited to be a solo traveler on my very first overseas trip. I have always enjoyed spending time alone and especially taking solo vacations, so this one definitely promises to be full of experiences I have never had before. I plan on taking ONE smallish bag for the whole month and am determined to pack light and be comfortable, so I am flexible enough to travel and move around easily without the cumbersome weight of a large pack. It's a bit of a personal challenge to see how little I can get away with bringing! I will be updating this blog a lot more as my trip planning comes closer, actually I might start a new travel blog, which will give me an excuse to travel more!
Thailand's next, here I come!
:)

Happy Chinese New Year!

2009-01-26T14:52:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Year of the Ox!

YES WE CAN!

2008-11-01T15:52:00.001-07:00

OBAMA 2008

This is a defining moment for the United States of America.

Be a part of the election that will change this country.

Vote on November 4th!

YES WE CAN!!!

It's that time again

2008-10-05T11:20:00.001-07:00

Nutcracker!

Auditions are today, and I'm on my way out to help out. I'm not sure if I've mentioned that the dance studio I taught at for a decade had to close abruptly this summer, a casualty of the economic downturn. The previous owner, Jennifer Greene, is now teaching at another studio and staging her old Nutcracker with her own costumes and sets. (Which the owner of this studio purchased from her as a whole).
So I'm kind of helping out. I've taught a few of Jenny's ballet classes while she was in Brazil for a few weeks, now she's back and I'm coming to the auditions because, well, I know all the dances. I'll probably help her cast the roles, maybe do some restaging if I want, and will likely be performing as well. It's an easy place to be. No pressure. :)
Especially since I've had foot pain for over ten months now, this bout of plantar fasciitis is keeping me from being nearly as active as I want. Send me good healing vibes and thoughts, I sure miss being able to use my foot as a dancer should.

peace!

France!

2008-09-15T14:20:00.000-07:00

Hey, guess what? I'm going to France!
I don't have a ticket yet or anything, but I will. My plan is to go for one month, arriving in mid-to-late April.
I've been wanting to go overseas for many years, but for most of that time, the opportunity didn't arise. When it did, I didn't have a passport and didn't try to get one. I think the idea of paying for a trip was intimidating and I didn't want to try to plan such a thing.
Now, it has become a priority in my life, a thing that needs to be done before certain other things can be done. Like starting a family. I have a job that pays me enough money that I can save without a lot of extra effort, and I easily already have enough money for airfare.
I took seven years of French total in my education, and for my first overseas adventure, I chose to go somewhere I could at least get by in the communication department. Plus I always thought it would be nice to go to Nice.
So I will probably start out in Paris, and then travel south to see the Mediterranean Coast, and if it works out, I'd like to see northern Italy too. Since I'm in the area and everything, you know. There is also the possibilty of splitting the trip up into two weeks in France and two weeks in Southeast Asia, perhaps Thailand. Because I desperately want to go to Thailand too, and since I'd have already made it across the ocean... we'll just have to see how it works out.
The hard core planning has to start to happen soon. More details as things work themselves out.

Whew!

2008-08-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

After many months of being unable to use my laptop for anything other than storing my pictures and playing music and movies, I can finally surf the internet, post to my blog from home, and upload some pictures to my Flickr, which I haven't done since January!
First there was a problem with the internet. I won't go into much detail except to say that we had been getting free internet for quite a while and then we weren't. Then I spilled some tea on the keyboard and many of my keys stopped working. My software acted funky for a while, too, but luckily that problem fixed iself.
I've purchased a USB keyboard, called and got the internet problem fixed, and today I purchased a router... mission complete! Internet access sequence completed.
So hopefully soon you will see some new pictures up soon. I have lots saved up from the last six months. Should I go in order or should I start here and go back? Hmmmmm...

life continues on...

2008-07-30T09:27:00.000-07:00

As it has a tendency to do.
It's been quite a busy year. But what's new? I always talk like being busy is a new thing, and it never is. Things are always seeming to be in flux and I always have something new going on, even when it seems that I might finally get a break.
I finished our collaborative play project a couple of months ago. Just as I start getting back into ballet, my dance studio unexpectedly had to close its doors and sell everything after 30 years of classes. The economy is so bad that not many people were signing up for classes, summer enrollment was down by more than half, the studio owed 3000 dollars in back rent, and the owner Jenny hadn't taken a salary all year. Things just kind of came to a head and she had to shut down. It's been an emotional ride for all of us, as it happened so quickly. Yesterday a bunch of dancers and parents met in the park and stumbled through an impromtu casual performance of The Nutcracker for Miss Jenny. She loved it.
The great thing is that Jenny now has a job teaching at another studio that also bought all of her Nutcracker costumes and props. She's going to be in charge of all the performance aspects of that studio, competitions, and Nutcracker, which means she's going to get to stage her own Nutcracker with her own props at a different studio! She's very happy to have the weight of owning a studio off her shoulders but still, it's the end of an era, kind of bittersweet. Some but not all of her students will be able to follow her because the other studio is further south.
Me, I'm investigating my possibilities. I will take classes, and get myself out there and see what I can do. I know lots of people in different types of movment and performance so I'll see what comes. No definite plans as of yet but I might try to wiggle myself into Jenny's new Nutcracker later this year if my plantar fasciitis gets better.
That is a whole different story for another time. And soon I'll have an update on my new position at work! I'm also having vein surgery tomorrow, but again, for another time.
:)

We're making a play!

2008-04-20T12:50:00.000-07:00

www.roomproject.org
This project is a huge part of my life for the first half of 2008. Four weeks from now, we will be performing our as-of-yet unnamed and yet-to-be fleshed out play that we have been playing with and creating since January. It's like a skeleton of a play right now. We had a fundraiser last Wednesday night which I performed at, and we raised over $2400 dollars! So exciting!

April snow?

2008-04-20T12:26:00.001-07:00

What the heck? There's been snow and hail and sleet off and on for the past three days around here. 15 days ago it was 75 degrees and sunny. Granted, that one was kind of a fluke but it was still nice. Made me realize that I'd kind of forgotten what it's like walk around with my bare arms in contact with the sun and the breeze, to not have on a sweater and yet not be cold. Warm weather in Seattle is always a fleeting pleasure, the persistent dreary chilliness of the winter makes you really appreciate the sun when it does come out. The beautiful sweeping views of the mountains, thankfully, are not as elusive as the warm weather, and that really helps the doldrums from setting in. Another thing I've found is to make sure to get outside as much as possible regardless of what the weather's like. If you wait for a nice day to go for a walk, you'll be inside for months. And truthfully, the rain isn't even all that bad, it's just that it's gray, cool, and moist for many months of the year. Rain here is nothing like, say Midwest rain; we don't really have thunderstorms very often. Mostly it's a drizzle that makes you feel like you're covered in a wet blanket. But that blanket analogy makes me feel somewhat comforted during dreariest parts of the year, feeling like you're covered up in a protective blanket of clouds is a better way of looking at it than feeling like you're being oppressed by the dark sky.
Well, there is no sign of this coldness letting up anytime soon so send some sunny love my way!

Seeds of Compassion

2008-04-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

This weekend, His Holiness the Dalai Lama is in Seattle for a 5-day event called "Seeds of Compassion". The event is described in the press release as follows: "Seeds of Compassion is an initiative to bring world attention to the importance of nurturing kindness and compassion beginning with children and extending to all who touch their lives. Seeds of Compassion came about through a collaboration of the Kirlin Charitable Foundation and Lama Tenzin Dhonden, the Personal Emissary of Peace for the Dalai Lama, to create and sustain a global compassion movement."
More than 150,000 people have obtained tickets for the events this weekend, and I am one of them. Children's Hospital obtained several hundred free tickets for their employees, so Ethan and I will be going to hear the Dalai Lama speak on Saturday and Sunday, Saturday being a major event at Qwest Field and Sunday is a private forum discussion with the Dalai Lama and moderators. The tickets for Sunday were obtained through close friend who thought of us as people who should be there. I feel honored to have this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to share space with the Dalai Lama! I am very excited. Security is tight, we are not allowed to bring anything, even water bottles, and that included cameras, so no memorial pictures will be taken of this blessed event unfortunately. But I suppose that is probably for the better anyway, this seems to be something that should be held in our hearts.
Much more going on in my life, perhaps there will be more time for another update soon. Much love to you all!

Joining the land of the living

2008-02-08T15:59:00.000-08:00

Well, I have finally done it. I have broken through, given in, and joined the land of the living.
Day shift that is.
I've been wanting to get on days for a while, and had applied for multiple day shift positions in my unit that I didn't get because I didn't have enough seniority.
Well, finally, everybody that wanted to go to days with more seniority than me did, so I was next in line. Yay me!
It's great and interesting being on days. I'm working full time for the first time ever as well, and even though I'm working more days in the month, (12 as opposed to my previous 8 days a month), I've actually found that I have more free time.
Why, you ask?
Well that would be because I'm not spending all that extra time sleeping. After my last night in a series of work nights, I would still have to sleep all day the next day. Just to be up for 6 or 8 hours, then go back to bed for the night.
I didn't get much done other than a ballet class during that time. So other than that class, it would turn out to be a wasted day.
But no longer! Do I have to recover from my night shift the previous night.
No longer! Do I develop an apathetic attitude about going back to work after my nine days off, because I got so used to NOT going to work.
No longer! Do I feel like a dunce or like I don't know what's going on when I'm talking to families about their baby, because I wasn't there for rounds, or the discussions with the doctors about the care plan for their child. They do all that stuff mostly during the day, so now I'm actually there for that and can relate to the parents the whole plan along with the thought process behind it.
I have become 200% smarter! Yay!
So what am I doing with all of this energy and time?
Well I am certainly filling it up.
Working on a theater project with my dear friend and brilliant director, Joy Brooke Fairfield.
Working on choreography, staging, and costuming which my ballet students will take to competition in March. Driving the 35 miles to Everett when I can to teach and work on the piece.
Participating in my tai chi teacher training workshops and going to class when I can. Currently doing a 100 day tai chi challenge... 30 minutes a day for 100 days.
Today I went to Velocity Dance Center here in Seattle and took an awesome advanced modern class with Wade Madsen.
Cooking lots of vegetables, trying to eat healthy, and tonight... going to the ballet!
No, I'm not really very busy at all.
I love it!
:)

Merry Christmas!!!

2007-12-26T02:04:00.001-08:00

Christmas Morning Sunrise
Originally uploaded by embersoul

Another expression of gratitude for the beauty of the Pacific Northwest.
7:40 AM on Christmas morning.

It's a very reggae Christmas.

2007-12-25T02:43:00.001-08:00

Chinese
Originally uploaded by embersoul

Picture: The Nutcracker! After the show, me and my minions as Chinese.

2:20 AM Christmas morning.

I'm at work, keeping myself awake by organizing my online photos. My patient is very stable and I only need to touch her every four hours, so I've had a lot of time tonight to organize. She has a beautiful ornament with her handprint and footprint on it, and a stocking from Santa with a soft blanket and rattle toy inside.
It's Christmas at Children's Hospital.
I'm working tonight and tomorrow night as well, as I have for the last five or six years. I think next year I deserve Christmas off. I've never minded, in fact I have voluntarily worked both Christmas Eve and Day for all those years. I've always figured that I work with a lot of people that have kids and immediate family close by, and it is probably way more important to them to have the actual Christmas Day off. I don't mind celebrating on another day, with my loved ones and local family, including Ethan, Cypress (John), Char, and my dear friends who I treasure at all times, but especially during the holiday. It has historically been more important to me to have New Year's Eve off, primarily because you really can't celebrate it on any other day. Kinda misses the point. Plus December 31st is the birthday of my sweet friend Satori, and even though I may not spend every year with her, I like to celebrate her on that day, along with the turning of the wheel.
I've been celebrating Christmas in my own way for the past couple of days before heading to work tonight. I've been cooking, doing laundry, shopping, wrapping presents, and listening to lots of reggae on Pandora. The sun's been out, too. What a wonderful feeling of gratitude I have for life and love when I'm cooking a mess o' greens (with ham hocks of course), sweet potato pie, brussels sprouts, and jamaican jerk chicken while jamming to some awesome reggae beats. The sun is shining through the kitchen door and the cool air brings relief from the heat of the stove.
Yes, I'm a dork. I love cooking. And cleaning. And laundry.
Today before I came to work, I made lavender mint cookies... with a touch of lemon. I love surprising people when I cook something with lavender. Nobody at work tonight had ever eaten lavender before. Next time I'll make some lavender chicken and really surprise 'em.

And here is an expression of happyness and gratitude for 2007... and 2008...
YAY!!!
for the new year!
for the holidays!
for love!
for Ethan!
for family!
for friends!
for life, living, and learning!

Blessings to the world. And especially to all these babies, here in intensive care, the children in the pediatric intensive care unit, and every child in this hospital who has to be here on Christmas. Wishing you all health and happyness in the new year.
Merry Christmas!
Happy New Year!
and Happy Birthday Satori!

xoxoxoxo

ps. I know I've misspelled 'happyness'. I like it that way. :)

Oh my gosh

2007-12-03T01:02:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday ET!
Originally uploaded by embersoul

Sorry it's been so long since I've written. So much has been going on! So much to keep track of, too. So what's new, eh?
It's always like that. I seeem to keep my schedule packed full. But I guess that must be how I like it, since it always seems to be that way. :)
Part of the problem with keeping up on this blog is that it's not my only one. It is one of basically three personal blogs and one business one. The blog I write in the most is really more like an online diary, which is basically just for me. Plus there's me trying to keep up with posting pictures on my Flickr site, taking pictures to put on there, keeping us fed with healthy home-cooked food, and getting exercise. (Besides dancing three days a week). As a result, something ends up giving. But even though I may not write here much, I intend on keeping up with it. Even if it is only once a month. Or two.
So, I'm currently cramming for 'The Nutcracker'. I have tons of rehearsal pictures sitting on my camera. Our performances are this upcoming weekend, two school shows Thursday, one Friday, two Saturday, two Sunday. (I think? Maybe one on Sunday). I just show up and dance, I don't know the details. :) Speaking of dancing, I have a wonderful theater opportunity coming up for the first half of next year, where I would get to work with a group of women, brainstorming, writing, producing, and eventually performing our production on stage. More on that later, but it should be amazing fun.
Still really enjoying my job in the NICU at Children's Hospital. Still hovering on the night shift, though I've been trying to get a day shift position for the last six months at least. My seniority has prevented me from getting it so far. But if things go as planned, I should get the next one that's available. Assuming no one with more seniority decides they want it instead. I've been working nights since I started nursing, more or less, which is the last almost seven years. I really love nights, and I especially love the shift differential, but I'm just ready to be more normal. You know, work during the day, sleep at night, the basics. I'd have to work one day more (12 extra hours) to make up for the shift differential loss, but I'd ultimately have more available days because of the sleep schedule. I suppose working here 10 days a month as opposed to my current 8 days wouldn't be bad at all. I still can't complain, working less than 10 days a month. Cross your fingers for me!
So that's about it for now. My babies are still sleeping and stable so perhaps I will get some costuming done. Just a bit left before rehearsals this week.
Good night all!

My babies

2007-10-10T02:14:00.000-07:00

I have a tendency to think of all of them as "my babies". None of them are MINE, technically, but for 12 hours, 2 days a week they are. I sit in this room and I watch them. Verrrrry closely. I know every little tiny thing about them. What their insides sound like, what their lungs look like, how much they pee, (in milliliters), what their heart rate is at any moment, how much air they take in when they breathe. Or choose not to breathe, which is what I've spent the majority of this particular shift fixing. We're so demanding around here.
I sit in the chair and I watch the monitors. The alarms go off on the ventilators and I jump up. In just the short amount of time that it's taken me to type this, I've had to stop four times already to push buttons, silence alarms, increase the oxygen, (or turn it down if they're getting too much), peer in at them in their little houses (incubators) to make sure everything looks alright, give the babies extra breaths from the ventilators because they weren't doing enough on their own. Yes, we call this intensive care for a reason.
Premature babies generally need closer watching than most of our other babies here. These two little peanuts I'm caring for tonight especially, they need help with something or other every few minutes. They weigh less than three pounds each and they don't have a lot of reserve. Things happen quickly and if you're not close by to remedy a situation, it can go downhill very fast.
So I sit in their room in semi-darkness, (it is nighttime after all), and I read my book. Until the next time an alarm goes off, and there I am again, jumping up, pushing buttons, breathing for babies, checking their lines and tubes to make sure they're all in the right position. I may not have given birth to these babies, but surely, for these 12 hours, they are mine, and I care for them as if they were.

Ethan writes

2007-10-06T22:49:00.000-07:00

Beautiful words from a beautiful man...

The autumn wind blows my mind clear and free as I see through the window to a peaceful tree. I climb it with my mind and let the wind sing me a morning song... ...a song of love and a song of chance..a song on the wind..a song of dance. It lifts me it curls me, I fly through a dream among autumn leaves adrift on a breeze. I fly to a cloud and look to the sea where the king fish rises imparting to me a secret long lost hidden in a well and visions of heavan and the horrors of hell. I sing a sweet song and he sings to me and together we sing about a peaceful tree. I open my eyes my mind clear and free as the king fish sleeps and dreams of me...

Up late

2007-10-03T00:26:00.000-07:00

So I'm up late. Not that late, actually it's only about 12:20am. My bedtime has fluctuated quite a few times during the last year. My average for that time period has been about 10:30. That seems really early to me, because from 1992 to 2006, I was a night owl. Average bedtime of 3am.
I wasn't really DOING anything all night, you see, I was just fixated by late night comedy... sucked into the television and finding myself unable even to GO TO BED! In the past couple of years, though, I kicked the TV habit. Plus I was living in limbo (out of storage and in a tiny little room). So I what did I do? I got cozy and slept. Then, I woke up in the morning actually looking forward to seeing the day! It was like television had been sucking the life force out of me, like an energy vampire. And now I had that energy back and I didn't sleep until noon anymore.
But in the past couple of weeks, I see my bedtime starting to shift again, this time towards a much more reasonable midnight or 1am. I think it's because I'm really feeling at home now. Ethan and I are snuggling in to our place quite firmly now, and I'm savoring it. I still don't have a television and I'm actually getting things done. I got my office space mostly organized tonight, and that has been the last major hurdle. I can stop procrastinating now and get some real work done on my infant massage business.
Some other things that are making me happy:
We went to Flower World the other day and bought four large, long, vining plants that make the place feel even warmer. We're getting our third Pioneer Organics delivery tomorrow. I've enlarged our biweekly order because we're eating it all up! I lost 7 pounds. (That's my vanity speaking, pay no attention). We finally got a vacuum. I made the most delicious meal tonight. It was Thai Basil Chicken with sweet chili sauce, broccoli, and water chestnuts. Yumumumyumyummy!
One thing that has me thinking:
Merriam Webster's first definition for the word 'definition' is: "an act of determining; specifically : the formal proclamation of a Roman Catholic dogma." Isn't that interesting?
Okay, now I know I need to go bed if I'm looking up the definition of 'definition'. G'night y'all.

Ugh.

2007-09-10T13:33:00.001-07:00

goodness
Originally uploaded by embersoul

Sinus attack! I went to a friend's house two nights ago and experienced an allergic insult. My sinuses are still reeling from the blow. I will spare you the details except to say that my swollen, dripping membranes and my throbbing sinuses are the exception. I feel fine otherwise.
Now that I've gotten that off my chest, we may continue.
Ethan and I have decided to get fresh organic local produce delivered to our door twice a month. Now, this is really exciting to me as I already have been cooking like crazy, enjoying the ease of having an entire kitchen to myself. This will make it much easier for us to eat lots of great and new organic vegetables. The quality and variety of produce we've eaten here far surpasses what we had when visiting Michigan recently. We got our first delivery the other day and you would be amazed at the robustness of these veggies! Plus the vast majority of it is grown locally so it's incredibly fresh. We got a large fluffy head of romaine, orange cherry tomatoes, kale, basil, corn, cucumbers, broccoli, spinach, red peppers, nectarines, peaches, pluots, bananas (the only thing that wasn't local), and red pears. I took a picture of it too, it was so beautiful, I'll get that up here later.
I'm going to a vegan potluck tonight and good thing too. I need to start chopping.

Mountain girl

2007-08-27T22:39:00.001-07:00

morning sunshine
Originally uploaded by embersoul

I was meant to live near the mountains and forests, although I never actually went camping until I moved to Washington 10 1/2 years ago. (Wow!) Maybe it's a combination of the fresh mountain air mixed with the salty clean smells from the ocean. Maybe it's the blanket-like covering on the forest floor, or the peaceful canopy above. Or maybe it's the smell of the campfire smoke drifting its way through the dappled morning light.
Or maybe I'm a sap and I just like it a whole lot. :) I certainly like dappled light.
I haven't been camping nearly enough in the last year or so, so the overnighter that we've just returned from was a much-needed, nourshing journey! We discovered a spacious hayfield, which hummed with the buzz of honeybees feasting on the wildflowers.The beauty of the river was an unexpected surprise and a great place for some postprandial tai chi. There was plenty of warm sun, a steady cool breeze, and few other people. We'll be going camping for three or four nights this weekend, so this trip was a good jump start.

Where are my tickets?

2007-08-08T17:57:00.001-07:00

Wha' choo lookin' it?
Originally uploaded by embersoul

My nephew Jayden! He's soooo cute!
I bought tickets to a concert that is taking place tomorrow night at Marymoor Park here in Seattle. I received the tickets in the mail at the beginning of July and now I can't find them. Bummer! I'm going to have a seriously detailed look around here later tonight and cross my fingers that they turn up. Otherwise that's 80 bucks down the tube! Oh well.
We are planning to go see G. Love and Special Sauce as long as I can dig them up. I'm looking forward to the concert; I haven't been to an outdoor one like this in a while. Hope the weather holds up, because it's been oscillating between sunny and wet for the last couple of days.
If we miss this show, we at least get to go see The Cure in October, which is almost better in a way. The Cure brings back memories of my senior year in high school and my first serious boyfriend, who slept overnight outside a record store to get us tickets in the 13rd row to a Cure show back in 1992.
Ah, the olden days. Old skool style. Perhaps we'll get to mingle with some aging goths who still like to wear black concert tshirts and pile on the black eyeliner while we bounce around on our toes with our heads hanging and arms flopping around.
Oh how fun! ;)

Back from Michigan

2007-07-31T21:37:00.000-07:00

So I took Ethan home with me... to Michigan, where my family resides. We got to meet my 9 month old nephew, Jayden James, who is of course the cutest baby in the world. We got to hang with the fam, go dancing with my mom, spin fire in the driveway, go to the beach with my dad, his wife Mary, my bro, his girlfriend Brandi, and my nephew. Plus we had a chance to go visit the University of Michigan, my alma mater and the start of all my debauchery. ;) We stayed with my mom and also visited my friend Courtney, who I have known since pretty much forever. We were neighbors when we were toddlers. I'm looking forward to getting a chance to post some pictures! I was so happy to have found my camera, so I took lots of pictures while I was there.
I must say that the scenery in Michigan leaves something to be desired. I must be spoiled after the decade that I've spent here in Washington, with beautiful snowy mountain peaks and cresting waves of the ocean to look at all the time. There's always a nice breeze here, too, coming off the ocean, and I noticed the air in Michigan has a tendency to be a little stifling. But the scenery notwithstanding, it was wonderful to see my family and spend a little time with them. And of course to introduce them to Ethan. They never really said anything to me about him directly, but I'm sure they loved him. How can you not, really? ;)

As I said. And mucus fistulas.

2007-07-18T01:51:00.000-07:00

I found my REAL camera! And not in the way I thought either. It didn't turn out to be the camera that was found at the festival I didn't go to. It turned out to be in the bottom of a backpack that had been in storage for many months. I also happened to easily find the battery charger. And just in time for our trip to Michigan on Thursday. I am very pleased. :)
I'm also really enjoying riding my scooter to work. It is exactly five miles from my front door to the driveway at Children's, and that includes only one left turn at a light 3 blocks from my place. So the ride is easy and quick and I'm home well before 8 AM. My scooter gets 90 mpg as well so I'm saving all kinds of money on gas. Life continues to be so good.
My word of the week: mucus fistula.
I'm taking care of two babies tonight who I know quite well, and whose medical problems are almost identical, but they're one month apart. They both have an ileostomy, which is like a colostomy but a different part of the intestine is brought to the surface, so they stool into a bag on the outside of their abdomens. They also both have mucus fistulas, which is the other end of the intestine that is attached to the rectum, brought to the surface as well, to let mucus out. Maybe it's not really that interesting; I just like that word.

Life Is Good.

2007-07-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, life is good. We have finally acquired our own wonderful apartment in a fourplex. There are at least a dozen friends within walking distance, two of whom live upstairs. I'm close to work. (Yippee!) I'll be getting a scooter to save on gas and help with the short commute. The house has closed and there are no more papers to sign! Yay! Ethan and I will be going to Michigan in a couple of weeks to see friends and family that I haven't seen in way too long. Plus it's my 15 year class reunion. What am I, in my thirties or something? I also may be getting my real camera back soon, no more cameraphone pictures! It's an interesting story of a lost camera that I haven't seen in 11 months turning up at a festival I didn't even go to! I'll find out soon. The sun is shining, it's 8 AM and it might be the second hottest day of the year today. Tomorrow will be hotter.
Yes, life is good.

Things are a'movin, times are a'changin.

2007-06-20T00:55:00.000-07:00

We are closing on our house this week. By Friday it will no longer be mine. It's good but sad, as these times of change always are. We may have a new place to live, too, but I'll give no more details on that quite yet. ;)
Two months to the day out from my Lasik surgery and overall I'm pretty pleased with the results. I have a feeling I'm probably going to request a touch up procedure, though. I don't quite as dramatic vision fluctuations as I did shortly after the surgery, and my vision is generally around 20/25. Which is pretty darn good considering I was probably on the order of 20/800 before! (Though we're never really know for sure as I was so far off the scale they didn't even use that scale on me). But everything appears blurrier at night... with less light, I notice that difference a bit more. And I work at night, so it would really be helpful if the vision was just a little sharper.
I have also made a decision to take a 3-day infant massage instructor certification course in August. I'm really looking forward to that, I think it will be helpful to me as well as the families I care for.
I will also be coming home to Michigan in July for my 15-year high school class reunion. Ethan will be tagging along, and will get to meet my family, my 8 month old nephew, (who I am also looking forward to meeting!), and see my hometown. I'm sure we'll have to take a couple of days in good old Ann Arbor too.
What a summer!

LASIK details & update

2007-04-27T14:27:00.001-07:00

april 21 - day 54
Originally uploaded by embersoul.

So, here I am, one week out. 20/40 (legal driving) vision and improving. I saw the doctor this morning and he inserted some plugs into my tear drainage ducts to help with a bit of dry eye and improve healing. He says in a week or two my vision should be cleared up even better! Last week, the day after the surgery I was seeing 20/80. Things are still a little blurry but have improved even today just since he put the plugs in.
Here are some details of the surgery itself. Wierdness, I tell you! Took me back into the pre-op area, where there were already two other people, gave me little bit of a Valium, and also a heated aromatherapy neck wrap. I sat, waiting for the Valium to kick in, which they said would not only relax me a little but also relax my eye muscles. I was only a little nervous to begin with, but I made sure to do some meditation and qi breathing to help even more. I moved up the line as the first guy went in to the laser room for his slightly longer 15 minute procedure on one eye, then again as the next lady went in for her LASIK procedure. I sat in the next-up chair and a tech prepped my eyelids with iodine swabs. The other lady finished up and was led out. Just before taking me in to the laser room, another tech put some numbing drops in my eyes and then we went in.
The room was just barely big enough for the enormous laser machine and the four other people that were in the room. The tech led me around the back to the slit lamp in the corner of the room, where the doctor was waiting with a special pen to mark my eyeballs as a reference for the microkeratome. That is the name of the blade that was shortly about to slice my eyeballs open. The tech led me back around the laser and had me lie down in the operative chair. A protective shield was taped over my left eye, I was swung in front of the doc, and he taped my eyelashes out of the way. He then applied the retractor device under my eyelids that kept my eyes open. I thought that having my eyes held open would be the worst part, but it wasn't quite as bad as I thought. A burning desire to blink was slightly relieved by the deluge of numbing drops that then found their way onto my cornea from the hands of the first tech that had led me into the room. The doctor tested my numbness first with a dull instrument and then with something I could see was very poky but did not feel a bit. He placed a stablizing ring on my eye, and I heard, "Suction up". I felt some pressure and slowly the vision in my eye mostly clouded over to black, as I was warned would happen. He attached the microkeratome to the stablizing ring and then I heard the distinct whirring of the blade cutting a flap in my cornea. This is when I was thinking, "They're slicing open my eyeball!" But there was no pain, just the pressure from the stabilizing ring and the air whoosing by my eye. The cutting process only took five or ten seconds. He unhooked the blade from the ring, and "Suction down." My vision returned just in time to see him come at my eye, peel back the flap with a tiny forcep, and tuck the flap out of the way. Wierd! Irrigate, irrigate. Again, short relief from the desire to blink. Inspect, irrigate. Complete and total blurriness. He positioned me under the laser and had me gaze at the blinking orange light. They all waited while the tracking beam synched up with my eye. Then.... clickety clickety clickety clickety.... the orange light flashing as the laser vaporized parts of my cornea in a carefully controlled fashion. I expected to detect the scent of airborne cornea as I had read from some people, but I was spared that little detail. I could see faint bluish flashes just on top where the laser was making contact with my eye. I could barely hear a tech counting down for probably 30 seconds, and then, it all stopped suddenly and some bright little lights came on. Irrigate, irrigate, inspect, irrigate. I watched him carefully place the flap back in its original position, irrigate under it, use a little brush to smooth it down, then irrigate some more. He then placed a clear protective contact on my eye which he said he would remove the next morning. Removed the retractors, peeled off the tape, and that was it! Same story, other eye.
Afterwards, they sat me up and the first tech led me around the machine again to the slit lamp, where the doc inspected my flaps and they sent me on my way.
Things were pretty hazy and blurry immediately afterwards, but I could tell that there was improvement. I couldn't read the clock across the room, but somewhere in that haze was clearer vision! More drops while in the last-person-out chair, sexy protective goggles, and a wheelchair ride up and out to the front door where Ethan was waiting for me with cherry blossoms in hand.
The Xanax I took on the way home knocked me out for a good five hours, as did the other one they gave me to sleep that night.
And now, my new existence in the Land of Eye Drops has me on the last day of my antibiotic and steroid treatment drops but at only the beginning of my near constant application of moisture drops. The frequency I use those should drop off gradually. I can drive, though things are a little on the blurry side, my vision is of legal driving quality. Night is a little harder only because of the blurriness; I haven't noticed significant halos or starbursts around lights. There is a little bit of the starburst effect but I had that before with contacts, so it doesn't bother me. Plus the effect is greater the further the light is from my eyes, so as it gets closer it goes away. I didn't think I had much problem with dry eye, as I have been applying the eye drops whenever I think of it, and I had incredibly teary eyes before the surgery. But as I said above, the doctor said they were a little dry, and plugging my tear ducts with collagen seems to have helped.
So there we go! I'll keep updating as healing progresses.

It is done

2007-04-20T19:04:00.000-07:00

Well, my eyeballs were sliced open and lasers were shot into them this morning. It was quite an interesting experience, a little wierd and bizzare, but overall not bad. And quick! In and out of the OR in probably ten minutes. We took longer waiting for the Valium to kick in. And then on the way home I took the Xanax they gave me to make me sleep, and make me sleep it did! I haven't slept that hard for five straight hours in the middle of the day for a long time.
Now, my vision's still a little on the hazy/blurry side, but things are definitely better and in a day or so I should seeing clearly! Typing this without my glasses or contacts would have been next to impossible before.
I'm still a little drugged and slow, so maybe soon I'll post some of the details. 'Till then, I get to wear these sexy protective goggles for the rest of the night and instill dozens of drops into my eyes for the next week. I took that picture on the way home so my eyes were still pretty red but right now if you looked at them you can't tell anything was done.
Yay for me!

Gettin' lasered

2007-04-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

It's official, utterly and completely now. After a few financing issues and a decision (yet again) to change doctors, I am officially getting my Lasik on April 20th. I've never had any kind of surgery before, with the exception of getting a fingernail removed when I was a pre-teen, if you want to count that. I'm not at all squeamish about my eyes, which is what makes this a perfect first surgery for me. It'll be over in minutes and I get a Xanax to take home with me. I'm way more freaked out about the very idea of getting my wisdom teeth taken out. (Which I'll probably have to do someday). I have my pre-op appointment next week Monday.
One of my co-workers told me the other day that I was blind. I was like, "Hey, I'm not blind!" She asked what my prescription was and I told her, -4.75 D, which was enough to confirm to her that I was, in fact, blind. I thought about that for a minute. I didn't bother telling her that my other eye was even more blind at -5.25 D. I guess I never think about it too much because that's just how my life has been. I've been wearing corrective lenses since I was 5 years old. Contacts since 11 or 12. And for the past few years, I've pretty much been wearing my contacts 24/7. Not recommended, I know. Lucky for me, I have eyes that tear almost excessively so my corneas are very healthy considering my overuse of my contacts. I've been wearing my glasses quite a bit in the last couple of months while getting evaluated. I'm not allowed to wear my contacts for two weeks before the surgery either, so the last time I took my contacts out should be the last time for good!
Imagine, not having to deal with contacts ever again. Being able to swim without losing a contact in the pool or having to wear goggles! (I was even wearing goggles the time I lost a contact in the pool). Now the swimming thing will be a whole new ball game for me. Now that my dreads are matured, and after my eyes are healed, I will be able to swim underwater for the first time in my life without having to deal with not being able to see or a head full of uncontrollable frizz afterwards! Yippee! Swimming liberation is something I've desired for a long time. Now I'll just have to make sure to take full advantage of it.
Wish me luck... I'm looking forward to it.

My alter ego is a forensic anthropologist

2007-03-28T02:38:00.000-07:00

I went to the University of Michigan for four and a half years. Part of me wishes it could have gone on forever. I love being a student, and I love learning. I loved learning at one of the best universities around. The lessons I learned there were irreplaceable and helped shaped me to who I am today.
I started out majoring in Biology, like any good pre-med student. (I obviously decided not to be a doctor ultimately, but that's another story). But then I took a 7-credit vertebrate anatomy course that almost killed me. It didn't help that I took Biochemistry at the same time, widely considered to be one of the most difficult classes an undergraduate could take. That quarter didn't turn out too well. As I proceeded through that year, I realized that the classes pointing towards my biology major became more and more focused on animal biology. The Biology of Fish was in my future. And I didn't want it there. As much as I loved anatomy, I loved learning about HUMAN anatomy, not fish or frogs, not the preserved, pregnant shark or the 5th preserved cat I had to dissect. (Although I do admit the dissection was fun. I just like handling medical tools.)
Lucky for me, I had an astute counselor who steered me in a direction which was perfect for me. Through his suggestions and my own research into the matter, I changed my major to Anthropology/Zoology. Not a double major exactly, but more of a combined major dealing in biological anthropology which turned out to be just right for me. I had lots of classes in anthropology, obviously. The cultural anthropology classes were mildly interesting to me, but what really turned me on were the classes in biological anthropology, morphology, behavior, and human evolution. Basically what that means is I fell in love with the study of the process of human evolution and what that meant for our physical and cultural development.
My most memorable professor (and the only one whose name I remember from those years), was Dr. Milford H. Wolpoff, a "renowned biological anthrologist" according to Wikipedia, who has taught at the U of M since 1977 and continues to do so to this very day. Dr. Wolpoff was (and I assume still is) fascinated with neanderthals. "Nean-der-TALLS", as he would say it. He kind of looked like one, too, which I say only with the greatest admiration and respect, for that was and is his life, being the leading proponents of one of the major theories of modern human evolution. That's him in the picture at the beginning of this post.
I remember Dr. Wolpoff as a burly man who loved Wendy's french fries. He would stand casually at the front of the room, lecturing us on something like his "Out of Africa" theory or the morphology of the australopithecine cranium, his thick fingers stuffing fry after fry into his mouth as he talked. Occassionally little bits of potato would come flying out and land on the lecturn. I loved him for that. He was a casual speaker, who was serious and sincere about his studies and only wanted that from his students. He didn't care about grades... as long as you showed up and showed interest, you got at least a B. You could not answer more than half the test (as I did once), and you could still get an A- on it (as I did). I took a few classes taught by him, my favorite of which was Anthropology 566 - Osteology. In this class, one of our projects was to draw by hand every single bone in the human body from at least 3 different angles. In case you don't remember from your high school biology, the human body has 206 bones.
Now for somebody who was never much of an artist, this propect seemed daunting. When placed in combination with a project that involved piecing together and/or identifying tiny bits of bone that we dug out of boxes of dirt that had been sitting in a university natural history museum storage room for who knows how long, it seemed even more so. But after it was all over, that project was my greatest college achievement. And to this day I have that binder and will proudly show it off to anyone who is willing to look.
But the part that was most fascinating to me was the fact that we did these drawings from actual bones. And along with that, we had to learn how to identify little bits of bone that had been hiding in dirt for years; whether it belonged to a young person or old, male or female, human or not. We took measurements and theorized how that person might have lived and died. Dr. Wolpoff brought in a forensic anthropologist from Michigan State who worked with the Michigan State Police to help solve unsolved crimes. He shared with us his methods and some cases that he had been involved in. He had us come up with ideas for skulls that he brought us to look at, and then superimposed the image of the actual person over an image of the skull to see if we were right. That day and that class had an impact on me. If the road to being a professional forensic athropologist hadn't been such a long, difficult, and competitive one, that's the field I would probably be in today.
And that, perhaps, explains some of my fascination with the process of death and dying, and on the other extreme, birth and living. Cultural responses to those processes and our own responses to these processes in our bodies. Our abilities to influence and steer the processes in a direction that can either pacify or destroy us. The influence our culture and history has to our response. Good stuff!
If I drank I would raise a glass to Dr. Milford H. Wolpoff and my alter ego.
I'll raise my VitaminWater to them instead. *sip*

I hate technology

2007-03-22T19:04:00.000-07:00

I hate when you spend a good amount of time writing about something you feel very deeply. You put a lot of good thought into it and even take the time to post references to other web pages that will support your stance. You spend a better part of a couple of hours pulling your thoughts together to make them clear and concise.
And then... your computer wants to update something.
"Sure, yeah," you say, "That's okay, go ahead and update." *click*
Do you want to restart your computer now?
"No thanks, I'm in the middle of typing something, I'll get back to you." *click*
Your computer still needs to be restarted before these changes can take effect. Do you want to restart your computer now?
"No thanks, I'm still working on this blog post and it's a really good one." *click*
Your computer still needs to be restarted before these changes can take effect. Do you want to restart your computer now?
"No, I told you, shut up already!" *click*
*click*
*click*
Ending program...
"No, wait! That's not what I meant!"
Ending program...
"Oh, no, can I copy this?... Maybe I'll save it before it disappears!"
Windows is shutting down...
"Oh, crap."

The moral of this story: Make sure to read all alerts carefully and don't click random buttons. Oh, and periodic saving would probably also help.

What I saw

2007-03-08T09:04:00.000-08:00

I saw a dying possum the other morning. Not dead, but dying. He was slumped over in the yard across the street, sitting up, but nose in the grass. At first I thought he was dead, but then he lifted his head, mouth open, and started panting. It was the oddest sight. At first I wasn't sure what was going on, but something in me knew exactly what was happening. It was broad daylight and here was this possum. I've always thought these noctural creatures were kind of creepy. They slither along and they've got long pointy faces like rats. (I suppose they are rodents after all). They dig in garbage and their teeth are like razors.
But this one, I felt sorry for. I couldn't look away. There it was in the front yard of the neighbor's house, in the sunshine, unable to move, leaning up against the For Sale sign in the yard, defenseless, dying. It turned its head and I could see dried blood coming out of its ear. But, life went on, the realtor came out of the house, glanced at the poor animal, got in her car, and drove away, as I did shortly thereafter. When I got back hours later, the possum was gone.
I suppose that's how we all end up eventually. Defenseless when we're dying. Waiting for the end. But that's not necessarily a bad thing either, that's just how it is. Some cultures celebrate death as a natural part of life, but here in America, we shun it, hide it in hospitals, as something to be scared of and not discuss. The wierd part of that is that it happens to us all, so why do we keep it under wraps? People wouldn't be so scared of it if we acknowledged it with realism and honesty.
The physiological process of death is, admittedly, something that has always fascinated me. Just as the physiological process of development, creating a new life, has drawn me as well. I suppose that's part of the reason why I do the work that I do. I have seen a lot of babies being born, and said "Happy Birthday" to them in their first moments of life. I have also seen a lot of babies die, cared for them as they transitioned to the other side, loved them, said "Goodbye" to them, and made them comfortable.
When I was in collge, I considered even being a forensic pathologist for a good long while. But that job, aside from being difficult to actually pursue, also is all about death. Even though forensics still interests me, it is the balance of birth and life that gives full meaning to this life right now.
Acknowledging and even being interested in death, for me, is not morbid. It's merely an interest in the cycle of life, how we all tick, a desire to understand myself and others in a way that brings me knowledge of how to live my life to the fullest extent. To take advantage of the things that are offered to me, subtly and not so. Life is a cycle. Death is part of it. Things are dying, all around you, right now. And new things are being born, all around you, right now. That is beauty.

My favorite picture, ever

2007-02-23T22:52:00.001-08:00

I think this is the best picture I've ever taken.

I can't look at it without at least smiling. :)

soakin' it up

2007-02-22T23:15:00.000-08:00

For my 32nd birthday, we are headed down to Breitenbush Hot Springs in the Oregon mountatins, an absolute heaven on earth. A four and a half hour drive, but the benefits last for weeks. Penetrating geothermal heat, three vegetarian organic meals a day, a private cabin (with a bathroom!), the soothing rush of the river, and the healing waters of the hot springs. I always feel so... clean... after a visit there. This time, I will be staying for four nights and five days, and believe me, I am looking forward to it. Happee Birthday to me! :)

Buy my lovely house

2007-02-11T20:28:00.000-08:00

I am co-owner of a gorgeous turn-of-the century home. Unfortunately for us, it is time to sell. After living there almost six years, and going through a lot of changes, our lives have brought us elsewhere. Check out the MLS listing here.

Being a nurse

2007-02-11T16:14:00.000-08:00

I love my job. There's nothing that can quite compare to caring for critically ill babies, nursing them back to health or supporting them in their transition into death, whatever their calling may be. To do that in the intensive care unit of one of the best children's hospitals in the nation is an honor.

A good friend of mine also happens to be a nurse in the ICU's, which is great to have a little crossing of paths, so to speak. She has been caring for a toddler who was featured this week in a story in the local news, check it out right here.

She's also in the video they took in the operating room the day that this little man received his artifical pump. He is only the 10th pediatric patient in the nation to receive this life-saving technology. It feels so great to be a part of it.

Addendum 3/8/07: I went to visit that little guy a couple of times after I wrote this entry. He is so beautiful! He has the longest eyelashes I've ever seen. And he's doing wonderfully! The Berlin heart is working great for him, and he soon should be able to play and socialize with his peers. Yay little one!! ;)

Lasik

2007-02-09T15:00:00.000-08:00

I'm doin' it. I'm getting Lasik. I actually have a surgery date and everything, though before that I have another evaluation scheduled, with a different provider, at a different eye center.
Every time I make an appointment with someone, I see someone with more credentials, or more experience, and I go, "Hey, I should get an appointment with them!" But where do I draw the line? Do I not stop until I reach the doctor in Washington who has the most experience with the most types of refractive surgery?
I could say that. Some people wouldn't stop until they got there. I am considering many aspects. I would like a doctor with skill and experience. Enough to know why one procedure might be better for me than another. Enough to know what to do and how to keep their cool if something goes wrong in surgery. Location is important as well. The first doctor is a fine doctor, but with not as much experience performing refractive surgery. I don't know exactly, but it appears as if the second doctor has been doing it almost as long as Lasik has been in existence. Consider that Lasik as a procedure is only about 10 years old.
Part of me says it is common sense to want a doctor that has been doing it longer no matter his caliber of "doctor-ness" compared to his collegue. But what if the collegue has amazing skills and intuition but less experience? Part of me says this is an extremely low-risk procedure and the rise of intra-operative complications is extremely small. Post-operative complications are mostly a result of how I take care of my eyes afterwards. Part of me wants to give the first doctor a "chance", so to speak, which really is silly but on the other hand, how is a doctor going to get good experience if no one lets him operate on them? Especially someone like me, a good candidate with a low risk profile. I empathize with him, being a nurse that always wants more chances. But still, I want someone who knows the best for my eyes, and that doctor will do my procedure, whoever it is.

Overheard

2007-02-08T18:10:00.000-08:00

I was in the grocery store last week, perusing the bread selection. On the other side of the wooden display were two young men, perhaps in their early thirties, doing some bread perusing of their own. One of the men selected some fine looking bread and showed it to his friend, who promptly declared, "But that's organic, so it'll go bad fast." Then the anti-organic gentleman proceeded to pick out a lovely loaf of another kind, certain to be laden with preservatives so it'll last at least a few weeks.
Had he really just said that? I laughed at that when I heard it in the store, and giggle about it still, but it got me thinking. There must be lots of people who don't buy organic because they think it will "go bad fast." Have we gotten so used to the unnaturally long shelf life of food items that we can't possibly fathom the idea that fresh food might have its very own life span? Is our desire to eat food that is full of preservatives a comment on our general fear of the end of our own lives? Or is it another facet of the "waste not, want not" mentality? The idea of throwing any food away is so undesirable that we would rather have it sit on our kitchen shelves and wait for us to be ready.
I understand it from different levels. On one hand, there are starving people all over the world. But on the other hand, throwing away 1/3 of a loaf of stale organic bread is not going to prevent that. I could take that stale bread and go feed the birds. I could compost it and recycle it into a lucious mulch for my garden. (Not that I actually have a garden right now, but you get the idea.) Better yet, I could incorporate that fresh bread into my meals and eat it all up.
I make a dedicated effort to eating as much fresh and organic food I can. My living, breathing, body is my own to decide what to use as fuel that will keep me in good health and good energy. And for me, that is food that is as close to chemical-free, organic, fresh, and living as it can be. As well as I can.